Tarting up on the move


30 November 2005


Why do women seem to think that indulging in their absurdly vain habits in public is somehow acceptable?

I was on the bus today, going into work, trying to mind my own business as I perused my copy of the Financial Times (okay, Viz, I admit it) when the woman next to me – late-twenties, petite, bleached blonde, hyperactive – starts putting on her make-up. Not just dabbing up on her blush but actually slathering on mascara and foundation and lipstick. Couldn’t she have done that at home?

At work, later, one of my colleagues just starts blasting her armpits with deodorant. At her desk. She’s just sitting there shoving this can of deodorant up her blouse and merrily creating a big fucking hole in the ozone layer directly above the office. Like it’s no big deal.

The other day, the same woman started putting lipstick on at her desk, using her reflection in her monitor as a mirror.

Let’s not forget the old cliche of women filing their nails in the office. Shit, I’ve seen women file their toe-nails at their desks at my workplace. I’ve honestly seen one woman actually rubbing the soles of her feet with…well, I dunno what it’s called, but it’s some mad device women have to grind off dead skin from the soles of their feet. She’s sitting there, cross-legged and on the phone to a client, rasping away and spraying the office floor with the soles of her feet in granular form.

Then there’s the “intimate” feminine conversations that aren’t very intimate any more. Such as the discussion I was obliged to overhear yesterday of some thirty-something woman next to me as she explained to her mother on the phone that she thought she was going through the menopause because she was “feeling hot flushes.”

Last week the deodorant-blasting woman in my department cheerfully declared aloud that she was on some anti-biotics for a recent illness and that she was a bit freaked because “the leaflet with the antibiotics said they’ll stop my contraceptive pill from working for the next 28-days.” For some bizarre reason she and the other women sort of giggled and snickered for a few moments. One of them then suggested to the antibiotic-taking woman “You’d better get your boyfriend to take lots of cold showers for the next month” which, inexplicably, prompted lots more chuckles and sniggers from them.

I was tempted to bellow out “If your contraceptive pill won’t be effective for the next month why don’t you get your boyfriend to just fuck you up the arse in the meantime?! Or maybe get him to pull his pork sword from your pink scabbard at the last moment and unload on your face, giving you a nice glittering blast of jelly-jewelery! That’ll ensure a lack of procreation will take place!” but I didn’t because I couldn’t be bothered and I’d probably have been sacked for being a rude bastard.

But, seriously, why can’t women just keep their stupid vain habits behind their bathroom doors?

If they’re so ugly and smelly that they need constant applications of deodorant, perfume, lipstick, mascara, etc, then maybe they should just consider going around with bags on their head. Or staying indoors.

posted by Duncan Idaho @ 9:57 PM

At 12:37 PM, Anonymous said…

You think that’s disgusting?

Try this for size…

You’re sitting quietly at your desk, being the only male to work in that particular office, sipping your morning coffee, when one of the women you’re working with comes in (late) and tells the other women how that morning she soaked a tampon in fresh yogurt and INSERTED it, to “restore the acid balance of her vagina”. Then she discloses, in vivid, disgusting, smelly detail, what happens when that acid balance is “disturbed”.

Believe, you will NOT want to have lunch with women for weeks.


At 6:49 PM, S. said…

Yes, but the really “interesting” part here is -as you already know, I’m sure- that a man saying such things, would face some form of consequences, for polluting precious ears of Persons With The Mighty Vagina ™.


At 7:00 PM, acolyte said…

Sorry mate it’s a hard life.That’s y i invested in a pair of ear phones.When the yammering starts the music goes on!


At 6:43 PM, Slaytan said…

A little off topic, but why the hell I can’t register at COOL TOOLS FOR MEN forums?!?! “No new members wanted” sez the message. Why the hell no?!

Oh well…


At 2:29 AM, Anonymous said…

man…thats rough…you should due for sexual harassment…having those dainty little ears so sullied!


At 4:13 PM, Anonymous said…

“I was tempted to bellow out “If your contraceptive pill won’t be effective for the next month why don’t you get your boyfriend to just fuck you up the arse in the meantime?!”

These days with the lawsuit friendly head start programs for women, that could cost the company millions, even though those so called empowered women can do and say anything they want.

%d bloggers like this: