From the University of “Well, duh!”


11 February 2006

Revealed, how love makes a woman’s weight yo-yo

Women were given new food for thought yesterday about their weight. Apparently, it’s not what you eat that dictates your size – it’s love, or the lack of it. A lady’s weight fluctuates according to the state of her relationship, says a study.

So what you eat has nothing to do with putting on weight then, it all depends on whether you’re in love? No wonder women are so fat these days when they are told such crap, which in any case in contradicted later in this article.

The survey of more than 3,000 married women revealed the different stages the female figure goes through over the course of a lifetime. First comes The Honeymoon Period, when she will lose an average of 8.5lb.

This is when she’s met the man of her dreams and everything is new and exciting. She’s so keen to impress that she even orders salad for a romantic meal.

Of course, she wants that boyfriend to be so blinded with love that he’ll do anything for her, even something really fucking stupid, like propose.

Next comes The Comfy Zone, when she will put on 11.3 lb. This is a few years into the relationship and things are going well. She’s so comfortable with her new man that after cosy nights in with a takeaway and a DVD, she has steadily piled on the pounds.


Yes, she’s found Mr Future Meal Ticket so she can just kick back and put on the weight. Note the way the man is blamed as well; it’s all his fault for those cosy nights in scoffing takeaway. In fact this report just comes straight out and tells us men that we’re responsible for our girlfriends and wives being such lard arses.

Stage three is The Big Day, when she will lose 9.2 lb. At last, he has popped the question and there’s nothing like a wedding to spur a girl on to look her best. Healthy eating, exercise and plenty of beauty treatments are the norm for any bride-to-be.

Weddings are no longer a celebration of a couple’s union but just a big narcissistic party for the woman. It’s a business transaction for her, whereby what’s “his” becomes “theirs”, soon to be “hers” when they split. A woman wants to look her best as she parades in front of her envious spinster friends. “I landed a sucker, woooh! No more work for me!”


Stage five is The Reinvention, when a woman will lose 16lb. The children are older and at last she and her husband have more time on their hands. She feels it’s time for a midlife makeover to bring back the old spark.

That sounds good in theory, but with one-in-three marriages ending in divorce it’ll be likely that, having plundered her ex-husband of his assets, it’s time for the woman to party and perhaps find another sucker before her expiry date.

Or, with a third of children borne out of wedlock in Britain, it’s likely that being a party-loving single-mother was fun in her 20s but, now the woman is over 35 and her bastard babies are now bastard teenagers with bad bastard attitudes, it’s time to catch a sucker to be a stepfather to them. With that Child Benefit about to run out, the aging single mum will have to land a wealthy husband too, otherwise she might actually have to get a job! “Noooo!”

Almost 66 per cent of those surveyed said their weight fluctuates depending on how happy they are at a specific time. And 84 per cent said their relationship is the biggest factor in their wellbeing.

So being in relationships is the biggest factor in their wellbeing for 84% of women eh? That’s strange, because most women these days go out of their way to not be in a relationship, judging by how they act anyway. Unless women actually think us men like misandrist, aggressive and slutty women.

“It’s only natural when we have a period of unhappiness that we comfort eat and when we have an event like a wedding we will work hard to look our best.”

Um, no, actually it’s not “only natural” to “comfort eat” when unhappy. Only stupid over-emotional empty-headed western women do that. Us men, when unhappy, usually go out and do something about sorting out whatever it is that’s pissing us off.

posted by Duncan Idaho @ 11:42 AM


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