Dogs for the girls


09 June 2006


I caught a bit of some silly programme on BBC2 earlier. It looked like some surreal transvestive/bestiality programme, which was a rather explicit thing to be showing in the early evening.

It turned out to be a dumbed-down documentary about pampered dogs. It concentrated on the US, where the pet industry is worth $37billion a year and how things are catching on the in the UK. It featured jaw-droppingly dumb things like a plush $140-a-night hotel for dogs (including in-room TVs showing “doggie movies”) and pet bakeries selling expensive hand-made doggie biscuits. I flicked over just in time to see loads of stupid women dressing up their rather pissed-off-looking pups in glittery frocks and hats.

What was interesting was the way all those indulging their dogs in such outrageous expense were women. All of them. Stupid gormless lonely looking career girls and spinsters all dressing up their doggies, lavishing gifts on them and even spending a fortune to stay in a New York hotel that caters for dog-owners, where the dog is pampered as richly as the human guest.

The lowlight of the show was some tubby fortysomething woman hosting a birthday party for her dog whereby all her girlfriends and their dogs were invited (featuring everyone singing “Happy Barkday” to the dog, believe it or not. Even the dogs looked to be embarrassed on their owner’s behalf.) The woman admitted the party had cost her about $2,000.

(Incidentally, I say “dogs”, but actually they’re all pathetic little hand-dogs, the sort that rich retarded attention whores carry in a handbag to award ceremonies. The ones that look like shaved gerbils.)


A stupid scrawny pampered dog. Holding it’s pet.

The only sane voice was a vet who said that this sort of pampering was rather harmful; dogs are not humans, they’re dogs. Dressing them up, treating them like children and feeding them rich sugary doggie treats was not going to do them any good.

Like I said, all the dog-owners were women, and although it did not go into their private lives much, it was clear they were all single. They all had plenty of money too, so evidently they were all career gals whose biological clocks had ticked down and, oops, no guy wants them.

The stereotype that many people (including me) like to put forth is that of spinsters owning cats, but I’ve increasingly heard that – especially in the USA – a lot of spinsters are turning to dogs. Maybe it’s because dogs can at least partially do a husband’s job of scaring away any nasty intruders into Ms Spinsters’ house. But then, on reflection, I think the main reason single women may prefer dogs is because dogs are more willing to put up with all sorts of stupid pampering crap just to keep their owners happy.

If you tried to put a glittery bathrobe on a cat it would get the red mist, unsheath it’s claws and swiftly make you look like one of Freddie Kruger’s victims. On the other hand, a dog would just sit there like an idiot and think “Oh, a bathrobe. Oh well. It beats fetching sticks I suppose.”


Then again, the last four women I’ve dated (all never-married career girls aged 26 to 33) have all owned cats. One owned four, and boasted that one was incredibly overweight and she had named it Cyril after the cheerfully chubby politician Cyril Smith, which was the only interesting thing she said during the entire solitary date I could stand to endure with her.

Which is odd, because thinking about it, cats are pets more likely to appeal to bachelors really. Moggies are like eternal bachelors themselves. They’re independent, aloof, don’t follow orders and like to lounge about at the weekends instead of going around doing chores and whatnot. In fact cats are a lot like male flatmates, albeit ones who don’t steal your beer as often, and who fall asleep on the living room floor rather more so. I would get a cat now but the landlord says no pets allowed, although I do feed a stray moggy that turns up occasionally.

I guess modern women just need to have something around the house they can boss about and annoy, and if they can’t get a husband, a cat or a dog will do.

posted by Duncan Idaho @ 7:29 PM

At 9:23 PM, Anonymous said…

I’m a scuba diver. Every diving woman I see on the boat has a girlfriend or husband.

I think it’s because these women take responsibility for themselves in what can be a dangerous activity.

Thats what makes them attractive.

On the other hand I’ve known women who are into horses and or dogs.

Boyfriends and husbands are few and far between.
Men know they’ll get lumbered with paying for this expensive hobby.

Not to mention, the women involved are usually much more selfish and insane than usual.



At 1:56 AM, Anonymous said…

I’ll verify the single woman + dog thing. Actually I’ve noticed it before and wondered why it wasn’t a cat.

One of them mentioned within earshot of me that her dogs are very important to her because they are the only “things” (I think her exact word might have been “people”, but it defies belief and so my recollection) she can trust.

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