26 July 2006
This link was sent to me by a kind reader; kudos to him for having the courage to trawl through the grammatical sewer of the crappy rag The Sun to help bring us this tale of dirty slutitude and hysterical optimism!
(The Sun links often change within days, so don’t be surprised if the above link doesn’t work. Don’t worry though, every word of it is captured below.)
OUR sexual conquests say more about us than virtually any other aspects of our past. Yet how many memorable moments of passion with your exes can YOU remember? And how do they compare?
Julia Hamilton, 41, [pictured above, trying laughably to look non-skankified] not only recalls her past lovers – she has pictures of most of them. They include a bad boy, internet love rat . . . and two husbands.
Julia, a project manager from Guildford, Surrey, has two daughters, Stephanie, 18, and Lucy 16. She says she is still looking for the perfect man. Here she gives Sadie Dodds her Sex CV.
Okay guys, get ready for this. She’s look for the Perfect Man! Are you that perfect man? Are you really?
Be serious gents.
Those who are not rich and who actually want to raise their own children as opposed to some other guy’s need not apply.
Bear in mind she has a lot going for her.
Bear in mind she’s past 40, has two children, two ex-husbands, has fucked a tonne of guys and, judging by her picture above, has been put through a car-crusher backwards and sprayed with window polish. Then set on fire. Then given a make-over.
I don’t know about you, gentle friend readers of this most humblest of brilliant blogs, but my CV is freshly scrawled and ready to submit to a relationship with this gorgeous embodiment of something or other or blah blah.
Okay, here we go:
My first love. We met through family friends when he was 17 and I was 15 and we lost our virginity to each other during our one-year relationship.
We planned it for ages because we had to wait until we had an empty house and we agreed to use a condom. We both lacked experience so were quite unadventurous. Later we had regular sex whenever we had either his or my parents’ house to ourselves.
But after a year I got bored and dumped him. He was heartbroken. We are still friends and can joke about it now.
What did I learn? You can never recapture the innocence of first love.
Erm…can I withdraw my application please?
Hang on hang on hang on…Matthew? John? Did she hump the Gospel writers? I’m not religious but this still sounds a bit kinky. If the next guy she made a two-backed-beast with is Luke, I’m dialing 999 and asking for the Pope!
HE was 18 and we met in a wine bar in Godalming, Surrey. I was 16. He was a good-looking charmer but a real bad boy, always getting into trouble.
I fell for his charisma and handsome, half-Spanish looks. We had what I thought was fantastic sex at the time and it was a more grown-up relationship than with Matthew.
But I was lucky if we ever had sex in a bed. It was usually in the back of a car and we even did it in Kingston Park one night.
A year later he finished with me and I couldn’t eat or sleep for days.
What did I learn? Don’t fall for bad boys, they are trouble.
And it only took you a year to learn this?
I MET 16-year-old Gregg when I moved to London to study at the London College of Fashion. Within two months we were renting a bedsit in Streatham, much to my parents’ horror. Gregg was tall and blond and he’d had a few lovers and was more experienced than me so sex was good fun.
He really wanted me to enjoy it too, which was a refreshing change from John. Later Gregg announced he wanted out. I was in floods of tears when my mum arrived to help me move my stuff out.
What did I learn? Younger men are too flighty. I needed one a few years older.
I’m getting the impression you don’t learn a thing.
MY first husband. I was in a bar when this handsome but very drunk 22-year-old film cameraman came over and asked if I’d buy him a drink — the cheek of it!
He laughed me into bed that night and we had drunken sex at his mum’s house. Two months later we moved in together in Hammersmith.
Our sex life was such fun as Lawrence was such great company and we’d do it wherever and whenever we could.
We wed in January 1988 when I was four months pregnant with our daughter Stephanie, who was born that June. But I soon needed excitement and contacted bad boy John again at the end of the year.
What did I learn? Lawrence was too laid back.
No offense dear, but you sound too fucking laid back. Are you ever on your feet? What a slagbot cliché! “Oooh, Lawrence, you’re such a nice perfect guy, but you just don’t have enough criminal convictions for my liking, and you don’t beat me up enough. I’m taking our daughter and going to see John!”
IN January 1989 I left Lawrence for John. Our affair was passionate and we would have sex anywhere we could — the beach, the park, the garden. But he was still a selfish lover and by this time he’d become fond of me dressing up for him in basques and suspenders. By the time our daughter Lucy was born in June 1990 the responsibility of a partner and kids was too much for him and a month later he dumped me.
What did I learn? A bad lad never changes his spots.
Yes, but surely you can change him with the almighty power of your vag-eye-nuuuuh!
I SPENT a long time on my own, apart from the odd date, getting used to being a single mum.
What did I learn? You don’t need a man to be happy.
Our pupil is learning introspection. Long may she master the art of looking into oneself, long may she perhaps go without a shag…
JUST before I hit 30 I met Declan, a 35-year-old graphic designer. He was gorgeous and sex with him was the best I’d ever had.
We did it every day at least once and used sex toys, tried different positions all the time and had lots of dirty weekends.
A month after we met he told me he was married but I still saw him almost every day for three years. When his wife discovered our affair she gave him an ultimatum — move to Australia with her or that was it. So he went. He’s divorced now and I haven’t ruled out moving to Australia to be with him.
What did I learn? Real love never dies but there are rarely happy endings to affairs with married men.
Well fuckin’ duh!
I GOT a job at a vet’s surgery and ended up having a 12-month fling with the owner, Colin. He was 51 — 18 years my senior. Our relationship lacked the passion I’d had with Declan but he had amazing stamina. It was fun while it lasted but it fizzled out after a year.
What did I learn? You can’t force sexual attraction.
So he dumped you then?
Is that a cunning pseudonym for Mark? She is going through the Gospel writers! The blasphemous wench.
Actually, to be fair, at this point I’m thinking she’s been through every man’s name there ever is. I’m sure she’s done two Duncans already.
HUSBAND No2 was an osteopath I saw about my bad back.
Not surprised you’ve got a bad back, you’ve been on it since you were 15.
We started dating and he moved in with me, though it wasn’t passionate and sex was never exciting.
When we moved to the Isle of Wight he proposed over fish and chips. I accepted because I was just glad someone wanted to marry me. Four months later he announced he was leaving to travel the world.
What did I learn? Never accept a marriage proposal in desperation.
You hear this gentleman? A guy proposing over fish and chips is good enough for her. Propose over a Pot Noodle and she’s yours. But only if you’re the Perfect Guy (TM), obviously. And desperate.
I’D moved back to Surrey and met a hunky Australian at a barbie. He had a smile to die for and was amazing fun. The sex was great and we did it everywhere. He was very considerate lover and as bothered about my orgasm as he was about his own. We had a great summer of phenomenal sex until the relationship had run its course.
What did I learn? A no-strings fling can do wonders for a girl’s self esteem.
Erm..that application form? Can I have it back please? I’m allergic to AIDS, crabs, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia and whores. I really, really don’t want to marry a woman who has fucked a guy about whom the only thing she remembers is his nationality!
I MET Michael, a 40-ish company director, in a business meeting. Later we went for a drink and he said he was married — but sometimes you can’t fight your feelings.
The chemistry built up and a few weeks later we finally had sizzling sex. Michael was the foreplay king and would spend hours caressing my body. We loved swapping explicit text messages but when Michael’s wife found them on his phone, he dumped me to save his marriage. It was agony.
What did I learn? As I said, affairs with married men usually end in heartache.
Didn’t you say that half-a-town-population ago?
DESPERATE to meet an unmarried man, I joined a dating website and met a rich, handsome, half-Italian financier with a big house.
He’s in the Mafia.
After a night of passion at his house I woke at 4am to find him texting someone else. I got dressed and left.
What did I learn? Trust your instincts. If you think he’s a rat, he probably is.
If he was in the Mafia and he thinks you’re a rat you’ll end up in a car boot.
T’will make a change from the backseat anyway, ho ho.
WE spent a few days together during his latest visit from Australia.
True love and electrifying sexual chemistry never dies and our relationship is proof. But should I follow my heart and go to Australia?
What did I learn? The hopeless — or maybe hopeful — romantic in me expects Prince Charming to be out there looking for me too.
Oh yeah, hold me back. Mmmm, yeah, sarcasm, sarcasm, puke puke, oh fuck me this is fucking pitiful. I wish this were all a joke but it isn’t, this fucking slag mother-of-two is stalking the sodium-lit streets of British High-Streets as we speak, honestly convinced that any man would want her skanked-out snatch. Probably proud – or, at least, not in any way ashamed – of her CV of whoredom.
And her two daughters are probably following in her footsteps too.
posted by Duncan Idaho @ 10:25 PM
At 7:14 AM, Anonymous said…
Just discovered your blog – very good read. You mentioned you are thinking of emigrating – which countries are you considering?
At 8:13 AM, Captain Zarmband said…
She’s too second-hand I’m afraid. I assume she’s looking for a rich man so that she can retire…dream on dear. Here’s a tip ladies, if you’re looking for a perfect man, then don’t admit to sleeping with half of London. Any rich man will be looking for someone half this old slappers age and with a lot less mileage on the clock.
Seriously though, this woman is not unusual in the following respects.
1. The amount of sleeping around she’s done and the fact that she seems proud of it and assumes that this will impress men. (Believe me it doesn’t).
2. The completely unrealistic expectations that she has. She seems to be under the illusion that she’s very attractive and therefore entitled to a rich, good looking man. Don’t think so sister.
Here’s my predictions.
1.She’ll remain alone and constantly whinge about there being “No good men anymore.”
2.She’ll become ever more desperate as she sees her life ebbing away.
3. She’ll see all the men she’s after going out with women half her age and this will cause even more bitterness.
4. Eventually she’ll buy a cat.
At 2:29 PM, Anonymous said…
My God …
Two words: Used. Up.
At 3:38 PM, Anonymous said…
I don’t recall from fairy tales (which I got over by the 3rd grade) that:
Prince Charming was looking for the ‘Biggest Skank In All The Land’?
Maybe I should have read “Cinwhorella”.
Or maybe “Ho White and the Seven Dwarves”:
“Mirror mirror on the wall. Who’s the biggest skank of all?”
At 5:53 PM, Anonymous said…
Even if she looked less like a dragged-up welder, and hadn’t spent the last 25 years giving her minge to any ne’er-do-well who could tell her the right lie, that horrible soulless grimace would fell my timber in an instant.
As it is I’d rather put my twinky into an E-coli infected bacon slicer than tup it. Let alone spend time with it *shudder*
Sometimes I think my standards must be too high, but since this is where things are at I have to conclude, like you, one is better off without.
At 9:16 PM, Duncan Idaho said…
Sadly, as Captain Zarmband says, this is not unusual. There are plenty of used up women like this who are convinced they are entitled to a man. I once listened, during a school lesson, as a girl sitting behind me listed to her friend all the guys she’d fucked. There were at least seven guys on the list and this girl was only seventeen. She’d be thirty-one now and that list must be approaching phone-book proportions. Yet, checking her Friends Reunited entry, she’s “still looking for Mr Right.” Good luck you soppy cum-rag.
At 3:38 AM, Anonymous said…
Notice how she can’t understand that men choose women primarily for mating, not companionship. Women are NOT very attuned into objective reality. It’s like women live in this dream world of romance novels where “time stands still”.
Women make very poor “companions” for men (too many innate and intractable differences between men and women). Men generally have much more enjoyable times in the company of other men (e.g., hunting, fishing, sports, first-person shooter games). Similarly, women generally prefer the company of other women.
Men are drawn to women for mating which means they want young, healthy, fertile women to produce healthy offspring. Dried up old prunes down to their last dozen eggs are not great mating material for men.
I meet a lot of older women like this (who are even in their 60s) who still have this world view of themselves that they had when they were teenagers. It’s like they never outgrow the teenager or adolescent view of the world. “Oh, I have to lose weight so I’ll appear attractive”. “I need these new clothes or shoes so I’ll appear attractive”.
Earth to Grandma: If you’re 30 years or older your biological clock is going off like Big Ben. If you’re 40+ years older then it’s “Game Over”. Men are not attracted to you no matter how much makeup, surgery, facials, exercise, or latest fashions you indulge in. Men are attracted to younger females for mating. If they are attracted to an older female it won’t be for mating. They either have some Mommy thing, want your inheritance money, or they want a housekeeper, cook, or maid.
Women just can’t seem to get that through their heads.
I was in the elevator at work about 6 months ago when this single 65 year old women got on with long grey hair, a face that would make a freight train take a dirt road, and the reputation of having a personality of cobra. She tried to start small talk with me saying how “she needed to lose weight”. I was like why? Who cares? You are not in the game anymore. You had your time in the sun when you were 15-25 years old (if men were going to want you at any time it was going to be then).
Women are stuck in mental adolescence.
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous said…
And what would you say about a widow of her age who has always been faitful to her husband during their marriage but who want to meet somebody? Or about a woman of her age who had only one or two parters in her life? Or even a 40 old woman who is happily married and has followed the “perfect” path for a woman (married young, had two or three children, stayed at home), should her husband be disgusted by her and go after younger women? After having red some of the posts, I came to the conclusion that whatever behaviors women will have you will always find reasons to hate and ridiculize them, especially women older than 30.
At 7:12 AM, Anonymous said…
“Not surprised you’ve got a bad back, you’ve been on it since you were 15.”
I laughed hard.
At 6:22 PM, Anonymous said…
“And what would you say about a widow of her age who has always been faitful to her husband during their marriage but who want to meet somebody?”
40 year old widows (during peacetime) are, statistically, a rare scenario.
But, good luck. 30+ years ago you probably could have found someone without too much trouble, but feminists (and their millions of female supporters) have poisoned men’s view of and experience with western women.
“Or about a woman of her age who had only one or two parters in her life?”
Ditto. See above.
“Or even a 40 old woman who is happily married and has followed the “perfect” path for a woman (married young, had two or three children, stayed at home), should her husband be disgusted by her and go after younger women?”
If she was taking care of business at home he wouldn’t leave. Men are pretty easy to keep happy. “Empty testicles. Full stomach.” In that order. If you can accomplish that he will be happy and stay. If you don’t know how or older females didn’t train you how ask him. If you don’t do this or start giving him a morality lecture then he will be unhappy. And with the certainty of night following day HE WILL LEAVE. Put your ego and whatever preconceived notions you have or indoctrination you received aside. It’s called REALITY. Your mothers and earlier generations of females knew how to keep a man happy. The current post-feminist liberated females obviously don’t. There are still females around from the earlier generation. You may want to ask them while there’s still time…
“After having red some of the posts, I came to the conclusion that whatever behaviors women will have you will always find reasons to hate and ridiculize them, especially women older than 30.”
Men DID NOT rip into women prior to feminism.
Men DID start to rip into women after feminism.
Do you know why? They just didn’t start doing it one day out of the blue. If you drive your car down a street covered in nails your tires will be punctured and your car will stop moving. Feminists have showered the relationship between men and women with nails and broken glass. Guess what happened? Can you grasp the phenomenon of cause and effect?
At 6:46 PM, the sad geek said…
Here you have the female equivalent of a Neanderthaler. Running on primitive instinct only.
“Uff. Me see man. Me like. Me fuck man. Me done. Go sleepie now.”
This junglification of our society worries me. Specifically, large groups of women show signs of atavistic behaviour, egged on by the vampirical media industry.
Maybe it’s time for some Yahweh to flood things up a bit.
At 12:36 AM, Youngbuck said…
The sad part about this is that there is some mangina somewhere that will bang this used up middle-aged whore. She’s absolutely worthless. I bet she still thinks her pussy twinkles and is made of 18karat gold.
At 10:05 AM, Anonymous said…
Great Blog mate. I’m working my way through all of your postings. Now, this cow typifies the glory that is the average British trollop. Who on God’s earth would want to shack up with this silly,stupid, common spunk-bucket?
The depressing thing is, some stupid fucker will be begging to hump her. Only thing is, she’s smarter than all of those sad sacks put together. Why oh why can’t the average bloke see all those sirens and flashing lights go off?
Single mother – 40 yrs old, fucked and chucked by half the country and she still thinks she’s game for a knight on a white charger? And perhaps a marriage to some guy who’s done well for himself? Jesus sweet holy Christ! A few years later she’d screw him out of almost every penny he has then ride off into the sunset. Not him, her!!
I’ll never get married, have kids or live with some stupid cow. She and women like her are the reasons why. But mainly because I’m happy on my own with my £75,000 savings, lol. No cow is getting her filthy mits on my assets for a cheap boring shag then mindless nagging and boredom. I’m off to play Doom 3 methinks, then off to watch Celtic v Rangers, then a few beers in the pub followed by some telly at home. cheers.